


this world

by ghoulspoons



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji is a Mess, Akaashi Keiji-centric, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Found Family, Fukurodani Family, Fukurodani is Fukurodani, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Time Skip, Pro Volleyball Player Bokuto Koutarou, Third Year Akaashi Keiji, Tokyo Nationals Arc (Haikyuu!!)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:13:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28960755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulspoons/pseuds/ghoulspoons
Summary: “Bokutos hands are digging into his shirt, Konoha nearly digging into his actual back. He looks at his team and back at their captain and the thoughtno matter what other people may say, we are the protagonists of the worldcrosses his mind. Saru is smiling wide, teeth showing and even Waishou looks pleased.”ALTERNATIVELY — years pass and Akaashi thinks back at his time spent at Fukurodani while reuniting with his chosen family.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Komi Haruki/Sarukui Yamato, Konoha Akinori/Washio Tatsuki
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	this world

**Author's Note:**

> There should be just one safe place in the world, I mean this world. People get hurt here.  
> \- Richard Siken, Road Music
> 
> (spoilers for nationals and timeskip)

**then / there**

Fukurodani Volleyball Club was a family. That wasn’t an exaggeration or an opinion, it was a fact. It was a fact written in their school colors and carved into the wooden desk in the club room. It was a fact that Akaashi quickly learned weeks into his first year. 

He remembers the anxiety that had buried itself deep into the bottom of his stomach when he first started entering the club room as an official member of the team when he still wondered if it was the right choice for him. It wasn’t just insecurity of his own abilities but the doubt over wherever he as a person really belonged or not. The team was built on upperclassmen that radiated a bond he was scared to interfere with. It wasn’t just third years, a majority of the team was actually second years. 

He was one of three first years, it would later trickle down to one of two until he was in his second year and was the only person from his grade on the team. Though he obviously didn’t know that at the time, he couldn’t tell the future back then. He still can’t.

If he could have seen the future and what it held he thinks his first year might’ve started off a bit smoother. He might have stumbled less with his words when speaking to his seniors if he had known they were going to open their arms to him from the beginning, he might have been more confident in his abilities to set to the overexcited second year with horns for hair. If he could’ve seen the future he might have been different instead of the weird scrawny awkward round faced first year who was too scared to fully drop his face from a neutral expression. 

He might have accepted his team's warmth sooner. 

But if he could see the future he would’ve missed out on living it all for the first time. He wouldn’t have been shocked when their star player approached him asking him to practice spiking more after butchering his name, if he had known that Bokuto's “just a little bit” meant actual hours he might have declined. 

If he had said no the rest of his memories wouldn’t exist, all that followed was built on that extra practice. It was that extra practice that led to a regular routine of staying in the gym alone with the star hours after everyone had left, practicing until his hands were bright red and stinging while Bokuto begged for _one more one more!_

A lot was based on that extra practice, Bokuto started talking to him even more (which Akaashi didn’t know was possible) and suddenly they were sharing lunch breaks together. Akaashi had friends in his own grade but it never went past any surface level closeness, he stopped eating with his classmates and soon after had been roped into eating with all of the second years after Konoha went looking for Bokuto and told Akaashi to come along too.

He remembers sitting in an unfamiliar seat finishing up his second sandwich when the feeling of acceptance hit him, both literally and figuratively. There were only a few bites left when he had felt a pencil flick the side of his face before falling into his lap, it had been followed by a dramatic gasp followed by laughter. 

The culprit was obvious, Komi had been tossing things at Sarukui practically the whole lunch hour which was unfortunate because Sarukui had decided to sit on top of the desk where Akaashi sat.

“You missed,” was what he had said while handing the pencil to Sarukui to throw back. “Try not to get his eye, Sarukui-san.” 

“You can just call me Saru,” the tousled haired boy reminded cheerily as he flicked the pencil back to Komi. He somehow missed despite the fact that the libero was only a desk away and the pencil instead bounced off Washio’s shoulder.

He grunted but didn’t bother to look up from the game of tic-tac-toe he was playing with Konoha who was somehow holding the world's longest losing streak. Konoha's eyes were glued onto the scrap paper holding their game that was once Yukie’s literature assignment, Bokuto hung over his shoulder.

“Bo, get off of me,” Konoha huffed while making no effort to move him off. He was ignored as Bokuto instead called Kaori to join him in watching Konoha lose again (that was the comment that made Konoha finally shove Bokuto off him.)

He takes another bite of the three-bites-remaining meal when the damned pencil hits him again. This time Komi doesn’t look apologetic at all, though he wasn’t the first time either. 

“You need to work on your aim,” he knows he’s at a point with the second year where he doesn’t have to watch his words completely. It's obviously the right thing to say as both Komi and Saruk _-Saru_ laugh.

“Nah, that was on purpose,” Komi leans back in his seat to kick his legs on the desk, the bottom of his sneakers nearly hitting Yukies class model. He quickly scrambles to sit up before their team manager could notice. “You haven’t thrown it at anyone, come on.” 

Akaashi stares dumbly at him, trying to understand why he wanted him to toss the pencil at someone. A moment passes and he pauses, setting his now two-bites-remaining sandwich down to pick the pencil up from where it had landed on his thigh. 

He considers just handing it to Saru again but sees that he and Komi are both staring at him, waiting for him to join in their game. He feels wanted, he feels included in this makeshift family. 

He flicks the pencil over at Bokutos head.

  
  


*

Before he knows it they’ve become inseparable by the end of his first year. His upperclassmen drag him into their already established group without questions. He finds himself getting dragged into Komi and Sarus jokes are usually followed by Konoha, Washio starts silently editing his papers with Kaor, and he even finds himself bonding with Yukie over their love for onigiri. She even lets him try her dabbles into cooking and he forces down the not so good attempts as well as the good ones.

They even welcome two new first years, Onaga and Anahori who admit that they were inspired to come to Fukurodani after seeing them at Nationals last year. It’s Onaga who admits that Bokuto helped influence that choice as well and Akaashi has to look away in case he smiles and reveals that he had been influenced by their ace as well. 

_Bokuto_. 

A lot had happened between them in his first year, falling in love being the biggest and arguably most important thing. Though one can argue that meeting Bokuto's entire family was just as important if not more (who knew his grandfather could be so intimidating? he certainly didn’t) but despite their new relationship everything stayed the same.

Falling in love with Bokuto was something he didn’t know was happening until he was knee deep in affection towards his ace, wanting the quick touches throughout the day to last longer, longing for Bokuto's attention alone. Loving him was the easiest thing Akaashi has ever done, he thinks he even almost fell in love with Bokuto the day he first saw him. Watching him fly in the air had memorized him, leaving him speechless. 

He isn’t one to believe in love at first sight, realistically there’s no such thing. The most you could feel for a stranger is attraction and that’s what had happened to him, he had been attracted to the loud energy that is Bokuto the moment he walked into the gym seeing him midair. 

Bokuto was handsome, that was a fact that he later quickly realized, but in the moment that’s not what had drawn him in. It was the loud bursts of positive energy radiating off of number twelve that made him stop and watch. The only thing he could think about was that he was a star. A beautiful, loud shining star that demanded the attention of the entire room. 

Akaashi had fallen in love with the _idea_ of Bokuto Koutarou right there. He didn’t know his name until he heard his teammates yell for a _BOKUTO_ and he let himself watch as the spiked hair boy ran back into his teammates arms after sticking his hands out into finger guns at the onlookers. They jumped him yelling cheers, letting Bokuto give them what looked to be painfully tight hugs.

He let himself imagine being a part of that team, being next to the star player throwing him in praise while he shouted it back. He imagined what it’s like to be a part of a team with someone like that, to be a part of a team that looked like real friends. Fukurodani had looked happy as they grabbed water from the sidelines, they looked close. They looked _passionate._

Later that night after dinner and a long few hours of letting the thought, the _wish_ , grow in the back of his head he tells his parents he’s finally made a decision, he wants to go to Fukurodani.

They’re ecstatic, they can’t agree fast enough as they talk to themselves saying how that it’s the better option, the better powerhouse school. By the time they leave his room he’s left almost breathless. He wonders if the star- _Bokuto,_ was as kind as he looked.

Once again, it doesn’t take long for him to get his answer. Bokuto Koutarou was one of the most genuine people he had ever met, he knew that from the day they met for real with an exchange of awkward handshakes with his new team. Bokuto had looked up at him, smiling wide with a flushed face that probably came from extra practice, and promised that Akaashi was now to be a part of the _best team ever_.

And he was.

*

“ _Bokuto-san!”_

The balls in the air and Bokuto’s jumping and Akaashi knows that it only takes a matter of seconds but for him it almost feels like a lifetime as he watches Bokuto's new perfected straight spike drive past the same opponents that had once blocked him before.

It all happens in less than a minute but it almost feels like slow motion when the ball bounces off the ground to the side. Another second passes, deathly quiet as everyone tries to process what had just before it’s broken by screams.

He doesn’t register the fact that he’s yelling until he hears Bokuto yell back, they’re running towards each other both of their arms open and Akaashi is so high on adrenaline he wants to kiss him. He can’t stop yelling, his hearts threatening to jump out of his chest and all he hears is the cheers of his team. He wants to live in this moment, he wants to live in this feeling forever.

Bokutos is so close to him and he wants to fall into his arms into an embrace and kiss him until they can’t breathe because he’s so damn proud of him, all that extra practice has paid off. He was the ace, _their ace._ But he doesn’t, not yet, because right now he isn’t just Bokuto's boyfriend, he’s his setter and vice captain. He’s his teammate and best friend. He claps his hands against Bokutos into a high-ten, it’s fast and it makes a loud smacking noise and almost immediately his palms begin to sting from the force. The pain doesn't matter though. 

What matters is Bokuto holding onto his hands as if they were his lifeline as they yelled into each other’s faces. What matters is Bokutos pulling him into a hug and lifting him up slightly and if it were any other time Akaashi would’ve told him to put him down because everyone could see. 

He doesn’t this time, instead he laughs when his feet touch the ground again before feeling himself get shoved into Bokuto's chest again as the rest of their team joined in on the hug. It's a mess of arms and sweat as they huddled around each other laughing while trying to catch their breath.

The scoreboard proudly shows off their win, 14-17. His heart felt as if it were about to burst as he looked around, to his left Konoha stood laughing maniacally, Komi at his other side. Akaashi stole a glance to his right side and was met with Bokuto's biggest smile. 

Bokutos hands are digging into his shirt, Konoha nearly digging into his actual back. He looks at his team and back at their captain and the thought _no matter what other people may say, we are the protagonists of the world_ crosses his mind. Saru is smiling wide, teeth showing and even Waishou looks pleased. 

_But it wasn’t like I chose to go to Fukurodani with great ambition in my heart_ , he reminds himself, remembering the fear and doubt that was still stored inside of him. That seemed to vanish away though in the moment, because in this moment he feels like he’s on top of the world. He’s never felt this way about volleyball, he almost feels invincible. He takes another deep breath hearing Kaor and Yukie calling out as they too run over along with their coach.

_I am glad I could be at Fukurodani._

*

It all happens in less than a minute, the ball hitting the floor takes only a few seconds but once again it feels like a lifetime. His feet are practically glued to the floor as he watches the ball drop with no one there to save it. 

Before it fully reaches the court floor he lets himself think about the memories from the last two years, about all the things he got to do with his team. There’s a buzzing in his ears as if a fly had lodged itself inside his head. He thinks about the charms he has on his backpack, both gifts from Bokuto. One of them being a vabo-chan charm that was a part of a matching pair with Bokuto, the other charm being an owl that belonged to a matching set the whole team shared. He thinks about all the extra practice he’s had alone with Bokuto but also the ones when the rest of the team accompanied them. How they’d all argue over what to buy after and who was buying.

He thinks about Konoha, Saru, Komi, Washio, Onaga, Anahori. He thinks about their managers Yukie and Kaori. He thinks about their coach. He thinks about their captain, he thinks of Bokuto.

He hears the hud of the ball finally meeting the ground through the buzzing in his ears and it feels like a bucket of ice water to his face. 

13-15. They had lost. Not just the match, but Nationals as well. 

The cheers of Ichibayashi and their supporters as they processed their win cuts through him and he suddenly feels like crying. He thinks of Bokutos _we’re gonna win’em all_ as he looks towards his team, that had been a promise to win. A promise that they couldn’t keep.

He knows he shouldn’t cry, he didn’t hold the right to cry. It was never about winning, it was about staying on the court playing for as long as possible. Getting to nationals was never about winning- it was just a promise to be able to keep playing together before they couldn’t anymore. Before the third years couldn't. 

The third years. 

The tears are falling before he can stop them, he knows he shouldn’t cry, he doesn’t have the right. He still had another year, the third years didn’t. This was their last game and they had lost. 

He can’t help the burning in his eyes as he watched Saru sob into Komi's shoulder, the half quirked smile he always held gone. Washio was staring down at his feet as if he was still in disbelief himself. The tears were mixing with sweat and he couldn’t stop them.

He looked ahead of him and watched Konoha duck his head down towards Bokuto, apologizing for his set through his own tears. Akaashi had never seen Konoha cry over a game.

The pit of despair was only growing deeper as he watched Bokuto talk to him, he wasn’t crying. In all two years of playing together, Akaashi never saw Bokuto cry over a game either. There had been frustration and disappointment and his dejected moods but Bokuto had never once broken down fully in front of them.

He wasn’t today either. 

_I couldn’t tell him not to blame himself_ . He sniffled looking up at the duo in front of him, _I didn’t want to, not to him._ He stared at Bokuto who was saying something to Konoha, something about being a normal ace and more tears threatened to leave him. He couldn’t tell Bokuto not to blame himself, _not when he was an ace all the way down to his core, foibles and all._

He watched Konoha smack Bokuto on his back leading him towards Saru and Komi. Washio beckoned Akaashi over with his hand and he nodded, following him to stand by their team.

Konoha is still talking to Bokuto and Akaashi only catches the end of his speech, “ _—I consider myself supremely lucky that I was. Don’t you quit now. You keep going, got it? And give it everything you've got! Cuz I’ll be cheering for you 110 percent of the way! Mr. Just-A-Normal-Ace.”_

A heartbeat passes between them and Akaashi thinks more is being said through actions as he watched Bokuto embrace the wing spiker into a hug that’s both soft and tight all at once. Konoha hugs back, gripping onto Bokuto as if he couldn’t hold his own weight anymore. They’re clinging to each other and Konoha was gripping onto Bokuto's jersey. (They sway.)

This was their last real game but he also knows his team and he knows the third years won’t leave completely. That was a promise Bokuto and Komi both shared weeks earlier when Yukie mentioned graduation and how she and Kaori were looking for any potential new managers. He knows they’ll come back for practice games for unofficial one on ones, he knows they’ll be back to watch when it’s just Akaashi and Onaga and Anahori. 

He knows that this itself isn’t a goodbye yet, he knows later Bokuto will look at the only three underclassmen and say that they’d definitely be going to nationals next year too and that they’d all come to support them. He knows later Washio will give them his rare full smile and Konoha will be joking. Saru will say that he’s grateful for everyone and Komi will dramatically sniffle before saying that he is too.

It won’t end hurting completely but right now he feels as if a crack was forming in his heart. Because it isn’t later yet it’s now and now is the day Fukurodani Academy volleyball club has lost in the Spring High National finals.

And he can’t stop crying. He can’t stop crying when he's getting pulled into a team hug, he can’t stop crying when Washio puts a hand on his shoulder or when Karoi appears to rub his back. Though it may not be the end of their friendship, their _family_ , it's the end of this specific team built on this specific bond.

He cries because he will never get to officially play with this team ever again. Letting out another shaky breath he looks around at the people around him. He’s determined to remember this moment forever as well.

He looked back towards the net where the opposite team still celebrated, before looking back at his own team. They were still the protagonists of the world, but not today in this world.

  
  


*

He’s standing next to Bokuto holding onto his hand as his former captain gave one final speech, one he was only giving because of Konoha's peer pressure. 

Akaashi looked down at their intertwined hands, normally they wouldn’t be showing such pda but Bokuto had just graduated. It was a moment that allowed tucked away hands to convey the words he couldn’t say out loud yet. The third years were no longer third years, they were graduates that were going to go off and do new wonderful things.

“This was definitely the best year of my life,” Bokuto says smiling proudly at everyone as if he hadn’t been recruited weeks earlier. “You guys really are the best team that I could’ve ever had and you make me happy, I love you guys!”

Saru smiles and Komi nods his head in agreement, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Konoha rolls his eyes but he’s smiling all the same as he rests his arm on Washios shoulder, an impressive thing considering the fact he was shorter.

“I’m gonna miss _this_ ,” Bokuto continues, he squeezes Akaashis hand. “But you know we’ll still see each other, and be back since Kaashi’s the new captain!”

This earns a handful of cheers and he looks away in embarrassment, no one was that shocked when their coach revealed his plans of making him team captain next year. Everyone felt that it was the obvious choice but now isn't about him, it was about the graduates.. 

He tells Bokuto this but before his star could reply he’s cut off by Konoha's laugh. “Yeah I don’t think I’m going to miss _this,”_ he teases waving his hand at the two. “Two years of you two being the most _ridiculous_ couple has made me a new man. A tired one.” 

Bokuto goes to defend them and Akaashi watches the exchange wondering if he should point out that Konoha was suspiciously missing his second button along with Washio. He wonders if they finally sat down to talk about their obvious tension.

Their third buttons are missing as well but that wasn’t surprising, Komi and Sarus were missing as well most likely given to each other. Second for love, third for friendship.

Bokuto still had all his buttons and Akaashi knows he should expect the second one being given to him the moment they're alone, it’s obvious, but the thought still makes him tense up in jittery nerves. 

He squeezes Bokuto's hand listening to him and Konoha squabble over if he and Akaashi were that ridiculous or not (everyone else was saying yes) and he watched Komi and Saru giggle to themselves as Komi pulled out his phone to take a video. Washio is quiet but he held a familiar fond look as he watched Konoha wave his hands in Bokuto's face.

“What about Saru!” Bokuto protests suddenly, he lifts up their intertwined hands to point at their ex wing spiker who was still laughing at the filming. “Remember, he got a girlfriend and wouldn’t shut up about it!”

Saru begins to protest but is cut off by Komi's laughter as he points his phone towards him, “He’s right! Didn’t she break up with you after two weeks?”

“It wasn’t my fault!” Saru made a move to rip the phone out of the shorter boy's hands. “She thought I was smiling when she told me her grandpa died.”

Akaashi winced remembering that incident while Konoha gleefully laughed, next to him Washio paused clearly thinking about it too before turning to Saru himself. “Well, were you?”

“O-of course I wasn’t!”

Bokuto laughed as Komi kept filming the entire thing, now focused on Saru and Konohas debate over who would be most likely to laugh over someone’s grandpa dying. 

“If anything it would be _you!”_

Konoha dramatically gasped, placing a hand over his heart. “I’m the nicest person, right Washio?”

Washio doesn’t get to answer (which is probably for the best) because Komi suddenly jumps forward, waving his phone in front of him, “There’s Yukie and Karoi!” 

It was indeed Yukie and Karoi, they were walking towards them hand in hand, both of them smiling brightly and it hit everyone what that meant as Bokuto gasped. “ _Yukippe, you and Karoi?!”_

Konoha pumped his fist in the air and spun around to point a finger at Komi. “ _You_ owe me 5188.25 yen!”

Komi's smile melted into a face of anguish and Saru laughed, flicking him in the head. “This is the worst day of my life,” Komi groaned, slowly lowering his phone.

“That two of your best friends are happy together?” Akaashi questioned trying to keep his face as neutral as possible while Komi stuck his tongue out at him. They both knew he was quoting himself back when he found out Komi and Konoha had held a similar bet over if he and Bokuto were going to get together or not. Komi had lost that one too, he always lost bets against Konoha but somehow never learned.

“I’ll help you with half of it, Komiyan.” Saru suddenly offered and Komi turned, eyes bright with hope.

“Really?”

Saru snorts and flicks his forehead again, “ _Nah.”_

“ _SARUUU!”_

Akaashi watched as Saru took off running before Komi could hit him, though it was a wasted effort as Komi was faster. Saru barely makes it to the grass before he’s getting jumped from behind, Komi making them both crumble to the ground.

“They’re going to get their clothes dirty.” Washio comments and Konoha snorts.

“Oh Komis moms definitely going to kill him,” he agrees before frowning. “I need my payment first.” 

He begins to march over to the duo that's still rolling around in the grass shouting at Saru to hold Komi down and Washio holds a soft smile before going to follow. 

“They’re so dumb,” Karoi says cheerfully and Yukie hummed in agreement. “You two are still good for dinner?”

Akaashi nodded and Bokuto swung their hands excitedly and Yukie clapped her free hand up into the air. “Good!” their ex manager said. “Don’t take too long, I'm _starving.”_

They watch the new couple walk off and Akaashi wonders if they should follow before remembering the button. His hands suddenly feel sweaty. 

Bokuto turned to him, smiling though he was also averting his eyes as he pulled Akaashi away to where the sakura petals were falling.

“So,” Bokuto starts but stops to laugh as a petal falls past Akaashis nose. He lets go of his hand to brush it away completely and Akaashi immediately misses the touch. 

“We’re alone under a sakura tree, Bokuto-san.” 

“We are.” Bokuto agrees and Akaashi wants to laugh at the awkwardness of it all, it was if they were confessing for the first time all over again.

His heart feels full seeing Bokuto's cheeks flush at the ridiculousness before going to hand him the button, instead of one though he hands him two.

Akaashi stared down dumbly wondering if he’s supposed to accept them both. “That’s two,” he says and Bokuto nods. “You’re giving me your third too?”

Bokuto blinks as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “You’re my best friend _and_ my boyfriend, I love you and I like you.” 

I love you and I like you _._ He feels his face warm as Bokuto forces the buttons into his hand, _I love you and I like you._

“Kuroo’s going to kill you,” is what he says after a heartbeat, finally accepting them. His fingers brushed against Bokutos and he smiled at his laugh. “I love you and I like you too.” 

Bokuto leans to rest his forehead against his. They're so close Akaashi could see his freakishly long eyelashes and the smallest scar above his eyebrow from when one of his sisters had let four year old Bokuto knock his head against the kitchen counter.

There’s a lot of things Akaashi wants to say at that moment. He wants to thank Bokuto for introducing him to their friends, for helping make the past two years something incredible. He wants to say that he’s proud of him for all the work he put in at his time at Fukurodani, for helping take them to nationals the past three years with his unwavering trust for everyone on the team. He wants to thank Bokuto for letting him break down when Akaashi couldn’t hold himself up any longer.

There’s a lot of things he wants to thank Bokuto for but he finds himself at a loss for any words that would do him justice and their friends were waiting for them. So instead of a speech he goes to lean into a kiss,”I love you.” 

Bokuto kisses him back, smiling as a silent _I love you too_ was returned. (I love you and I like you.)

  
  


*

The ball hits the ground and once again no one’s there to stop it. It happens faster though, it seems to mock the past two years where he had been forced to watch it fall in slow motion while he was stuck not being able to stop it. This year he doesn't even get the privilege of that- he blinks and it’s over.

It is embarrassing to think that it could never happen again. It happens. Fukurodani had lost nationals once again, this time they had earned the spot of third place. This time they had been led there by _him_ . _He_ was their captain, _he_ had been the one to lead them into another year of defeat.

His eyes burned from the tears trying to escape and he wiped them away with the back of his hand forcing them to mix with the sweat instead, he was not going to cry in front of his team. They had lost but what mattered was that they were able to make it here in the first place, more than half the team was new underclassmen. Onaga and Anahori were the only other members from their old team.

They were a completely new team built on completely new people and completely new dynamics and they had still somehow been able to scrape up to Nationals within a year despite that. He knows that fact should be more than enough to soothe the wound of losing, they had lost as a _team_. Volleyball isn’t a game that’s hinged on individual mistakes or shortcomings, they played as a team through the beginning and end. But yet he still wondered if he had done enough, he was their captain and the ball had dropped for real.

It was over. It was officially his last match with Fukurodani and he couldn’t even bring them to victory. There’s something building up from the back of his throat and he wondered if he was going to throw up right there all over the court on his still basically new shoes. Puke or cry. Choke on your own vomit or your own apologizes? What would it be Keiji? It’s not like he could humiliate himself any further. 

He swallowed the lack of saliva he had, his mouth was dry. He needed to stop. Stop thinking these thoughts, it was foolish of him to act like he was the only one out there playing. The only one feeling the loss. He needed to stop letting himself get cut by his shame because there was no more time, it was over.

He took a deep breath trying to cancel out the cheers happening across the net, his palms stinging suddenly. Tearing his eyes away from the fallen ball he looked down at his hands, he hadn’t even noticed when his nails started digging into skin.

It's dramatic but he almost feels empty. He feels as if something had been taken away from him, like a flame being blown away. He feels as if a piece of him is missing.

He didn’t feel invincible anymore. He was tired. Volleyball wasn’t as fun anymore, it stopped being as fun the moment Bokuto and the rest of the third years officially left the gym doors after carving their names inside the club room. Permanently marking _Owl Valley_ and its previous residents on several desks and both inside the supply closet and its door.

It feels like he was a child again who had skinned his knee on the cement and was getting the band aid ripped off him before the blood had fully stopped. There’s invisible blood pouring down his leg as he realizes volleyball wasn’t as fun for him anymore because it had never been fun until the third years. They had put him under their wing and helped him see how there were benefits of the hard work that wasn’t just winning. He had them to help remind him that it wasn’t a duty to fulfill, it wasn’t just games that needed to play to win. It was about having fun and that light enjoyment inside of you when playing so when you fell you had a reason to get up again.

But he’s realizing that he couldn’t make it fun for himself. He was so focused on connecting the team and helping them learn to trust each other because Fukurodani needed a strong team for when he left, Onaga and Anahori would clearly be given the positions of captain and vice captain but he still wanted to help build it before he had to go. He had been trying to give them his all, trying to live up to their banner. **Pour all your soul into each ball.**

In the midst of all that he had forgotten that volleyball was supposed to be fun, that it was supposed to leave you with a _!_ in your heart not just a tired sigh of relief. Is that where he messed up? Had he led them down the path to failure as his newfound love for the sport slowly melted away?

It’s not an excuse but it was hard, almost their entire team had graduated the year before and now he stood as the only third year. He didn’t _need_ Bokuto or Konoha or Washio or Komi or Saru. He didn’t need them, he didn’t need them but he also wasn’t them. He was never going to be Bokuto, passion oozed out of him with every word he said and every step he took was down the path Akaashi wasn’t sure he could follow or even keep up with.

Now in the rain of defeat he wondered if that path was the one he wanted, what was the path anymore anyway? Maybe if he had sat down to face these questions things would be different. 

Akaashi Keiji was tired and he didn’t know what part of him felt the most. But that was part of the problem too, figuring out which part of him ached for the path and which part the happiness.

It stung. Everything stung as he walked forward forcing himself to keep his head high as he joined his team to thank everyone who had shown up to watch them. He forced himself to keep his expression blank, to not let his thoughts show across his face. He was their captain and they didn’t need to see him breakdown. He took another breath telling himself the sting in his eyes was just from sweat as he patted one of their first years on the back. _You did good_ was what it said and the boy looked up to him eyes blown wide, already red and puffy and Akaashi looked away like a coward after a minute of holding his gaze.

 _We still lost_ is what the look says and Akaashi knows he doesn’t have the proper words for that yet.

Instead he forces himself to stand forward as they get ready to bow, trying to keep his voice steady as they all echo out a _thank you._ He doesn’t want to look up from his shoes and face _them._ He didn’t want to look at the people he had admired the most after he just let them down. How was he supposed to face them after he gave way into his insecurities?

“ _HEY HEY HEY AKAASHI!”_

“ _AKAASHI!”_

_“You guys did great!”_

_“YEAHHH ANAHORI!_

“ _ONAGA! I SAW THAT_ _YOU BASTARD YOU-”_

Their voices fight to be heard against the wave that’s threatening to pull him over and he looks up to see his old team smiling down at him happily, arms waving fast and quick despite the fact they kept hitting each other. They looked ridiculous, all dressed up in their old school jackets waving overpriced merchandise as flags as they whooped for his attention.

His eyes landed on Bokuto who nodded his head, he finger gunned him and Akaashi did it back without thinking. He feels sluggish raising his hand back up but he does it.

They’re shouting out a scene and the look Bokuto is giving him makes him want to spit his heart back out at him. _I’m so proud of you_ is said with a soft smile and a head tilt to the right and Akaashi swallowed his heart back down and bowed again, _thank you._

It still hurts, the blood is still pouring down his leg but he isn’t alone on the cement anymore. 

  
  


**now / here**

“Hey, hey, heeey!”

Akaashi elbowed Bokuto in the ribs quickly, looking around to make sure they hadn’t already caused too much of a commotion in their less than a minute entrance to the restaurant. He let out a silent hope that no one had recognized the star athlete as he shushed him, Bokuto exaggerating that _hey that hurt! your elbows bony Ji._

He rolled his eyes ignoring the way his hand twitched with longing to reach out and take Bokutos as they made their way to the nice looking waitress who clearly recognized him but was doing her best to be professional about it. Bokuto was dressed in ridiculously plain black clothes that did next to nothing to hide his body, there was no pop of colors or writing or art attached to the clothing in hopes that he would just blend in with the people around him. To top it off his hair was tucked under a hat, black as well apart from red lettering that said _KODZUKEN._

Akaashi had almost asked him to switch to a plain cap because everytime Bokuto was seen in regular clothes he was often seen wearing the merch of their friend, it was a token thing of his. He wore Kenmas merch while Kenma half mentioned the Black Jackals either on Twitter or briefly on his streams, saying that though Hinata was his favorite player Bokuto was a close second. It was a running joke of theirs that Akaashi couldn’t even remember how it started. 

He had only decided against telling him to switch only because they were already running a bit late and because he knew Bokuto would insist on wearing it anyway. So now he was trying to keep his face blank as he stared at the waitress as he gave her Konoha's name while they both pretended that MSBY Black Jackals ace wasn’t currently staring at the fish tank behind them. 

“ _Akaashi_ , look at this one! I think it winked at me.”

“I highly doubt that,” He turned to his partner and gestured back at the poor flustered women in front of them. “Everyone’s waiting for us.”

Bokuto lit up, “Oh yeah!” He placed his hands on Akaashis shoulders squeezing them slightly. “Lead the way.”

*

“The weirdos are here,” was what Yukie announced the moment they walked into the room, the waitress had led them to the back restaurant into a private room that made Akaashi realize just how expensive of a place they were in. “You did so well.” 

“Yukippe, you watched!” Akaashi watched as Bokuto leaned down to hug her, Yukie’s hair that once reached her chin was now past her shoulders. It suited her.

“This guy…” Konoha rolled his eyes watching Bokuto but still stood up to hug him. “ _We_ ,” he waved at the table where everyone else was seated. “ _always_ watch your games.” 

Akaashi watched them embrace before going to do that himself, they spent a few minutes hugging their friends laughing at new haircuts, teasing at Bokuto's too plain clothes before finally sitting down. He and Bokuto sat at the head of the table as those were the only two open seats, he had narrowed his eyes in suspicion as he sat but Konoha and Komi insisted it was to be tradition. The captain and his vice.

“So,” Konoha clapped his hands together making Akaashi jump slightly, the blond was seated next to Bokuto, the clap startling him as well. “First things first, congrats you two.”

Akaashi felt heat rise to his face, he looked down at the new ring he wore on his finger as their friends obnoxiously clapped. “Thank you.” 

Next to him Bokuto beamed, throwing an arm around Akaashi as he held up his hand to show off his own ring. “Yeah! Thanks guys.” 

“I can plan the wedding,” Karoi said as she took a sip of her beer. Her once long hair was now at her ears. “Whatever you need I’ll do.”

“You’re a sports promoter,” Onaga pointed his own drink at her. “Are you gonna promote their wedding to crazed fans?”

Next to Onaga, Anahori cracked his knuckles before nudging him.“ _You’re_ an electrician.”

“Hey, I never said I wanted to plan their thing!”

The three laughed and a smile was itching onto Akaashis own face as he watched Konoha's face threaten to turn into one a familiar one of exasperation before he aggressively cleared his throat. “Hey! We all know I’m going to be planning it because I suffered the most,” He rolled his eyes at the cries of protest from Saru and Komi before turning back to look at Bokuto and Akaashi.

“Second of all, you did great man.” He pointed his fork at Bokuto. “The Black Jackals are lucky to have you, ace.” He spoke in a matter of fact way as if daring Bokuto to argue against him but his eyes also held a rare moment of softness in them.

“Geez, thanks Konoha.” Bokuto leaned over for a fist bump before deciding at the last second to just pull Konoha into a hug again.

“This guy…” Konoha rolled his eyes at the ceiling dramatically as if he weren’t hugging back.

“You did do good!” Komi agreed through a mouthful of what Akaashi thinks is shrimp. “You shoulda seen Konoha, he was crying by the end of it.”

Konoha whipped himself away from the hug to glare at the actor. “I was not.” He snapped though his ears were turning red.

“He was,” Saru joins in. “He-well _we_ are all very proud of you being the ace and stuff.” 

“I told you not to tell him that,” Konoha groaned as Bokuto pulled him into another hug. “He’s all happy now, it’s going to get to his head.”

“Thanks to him, we had a nice high school life.”

"Because of him, it was kinda hard though."

“Well,” Saru stretched his arms back over his head nearly hitting Komi with his elbow. “Thanks to him we can still have fun for now."

Akaashi watched the three talk as if Bokuto wasn’t right there listening, trying to take in the familiarity of it all. Despite the months that have passed since they’ve last met in person, conversation still went by smoothly as if no time had passed at all. 

“You know,” Bokuto cleared his throat, stopping the trio's conversation, his hand reaching under the table for Akaashis as all eyes turned to look at him. “I really really love you guys.” 

Everyone at the table groaned at the cheesiness of it except for Washio, who nodded before adding on, “We love you too.”

Akaashi noticed Komi try to not so subtly slide money over behind Sarus back and past Washio to Konoha. He raised an eyebrow when Konoha pocketed it with glee. 

“What?” Konoha attempted to hold a look of innocence when faced with his questioning look, Washio turned to face him curiously and he sighed.

“Okay, _fine.”_ He pointed his finger at Komi. “We had a bet to see how long it would take for Bokuto to start proclaiming his love.”

“I thought he would say he loved you to Akaashi first,” Komi whined. “This is bullshit.”

Sarus snorted, going to flick him in the space between his eyes. “You never learn.”

“Konoha.” 

The table shushed as they all looked back towards Yukie, she was mid chew and she swallowed before continuing, “Give Komi his money back.”

“ _But-_ ”

“Konoha.” 

When they were in high school Yukie had the potential to be the exorcist. Akaashi had remained on her good side for the two years he had her as a manager but he had seen her chase Bokuto around and yell at Komi and Saru to know that she could be scary when she wanted to be. That clearly hadn’t changed because she was giving Konoha a rather threatening look with a too sweet smile.

A moment passed before Konoha sighed, breaking under the gaze. He gave the money back to Komi grumbling about how an actor had plenty to share ignoring Komi's cry of _I’m not that famous yet!_

“Could’ve used that for rent deposit,” he mumbled leaning back into his seat with a huff.

Akaashi felt Bokuto perk up next him, “Ohh you moving, Koni?” He asked while coincidentally ignoring Yukie’s reminder that he never did pay her back for the food last visit.

“I told you to stop calling me that,” he cringed but smiled. Akaashi watched him hesitate before nudging his shoulder against Washios. “Me and the big guy are moving in together.”

It was Washios turn to cringe looking down at the blond in confusion, “I told _you_ to stop calling me that.”

A smile tugged on his lips as he watched Bokuto and Konoha start bickering over if there should be a housewarming party (Bokuto saying yes Konoha saying not yet) while Washio listened. The relationship between Konoha and Washio was never labeled or talked about, they were just two people who cared deeply about the other and always found their way back home.

He knows from long calls from Konoha that Washio joining the EJP Raijin made the distance harder so seeing them finally take the step to start planting roots was something sweet. He found himself squeezing Bokuto's hand, a rush of affection towards his friends hitting him.

Tuning out the debate he let his eyes wander across the table. Karoi was explaining something to Onaga and Anahori, talking so enthusiastically that she kept almost hitting her girlfriend in the face. Yukie didn’t look bothered though, he watched her steal from Karois plate.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Komi yawn, rubbing his eyes saying that he wasn’t _that_ tired when Washio gave him a look. Next to him Saru shifts and nudges his shoulder at him, a silent offer for him to lay his head there before he freezes. A deer in the headlights look on his face as he seemed to remember they were in public.

A silence fell over the table when Bokuto and Konoha suddenly stopped talking to look over. A blush was growing on Sarus face as he felt the looks and Akaashi hesitated before breaking the silence. “You two?” He tries to sound as casual as possible, holding Bokutos hand tighter as he asks.

Komi's ears turned red and he looked over at Saru as if to ask what their answer should be but Sarus' smile gave it away as always. “Yeah, we are.” 

He smiled, “Congratulations.”

Saru nodded and Komi smiled back looking less tired and tense. Saru put his arm over Komi, squeezing his shoulder slightly. “There’s just familiarity in how he always throws away his money.”

He can’t help it, he laughs a bit at that and before Komi could rush in to defend himself the moment was ruined by Konoha. “Not being homophobic are you, Akaashi?”

Bokuto chokes on nothing and Komi bursts into laughter. “Konoha,” Akaashi stared over to give him a flat look. “I’m gay, you know this.”

“You’re avoiding the question.”

“Konoha, I am literally engaged to another man.”

Bokuto pulled their hands up from under the table, “It’s me.” 

Saru snickered, “I think we all know that.”

“Bokuto, stop trying to change the subject Akaashi still hasn’t-”

“Konoha, you’re also with another man.”

“This isn’t about me-”

Akaashi listened to the conversation devolve into something else that he couldn’t keep up with, that didn’t bother him though. He bumped his knee against Bokuto's. His hand was squeezed three times in response, a silent _I love you_ and he squeezed four times back. _I love you more._

He couldn’t tell the future or what it had stored, he couldn’t then and he still can’t. Despite that he found himself looking forward towards it anyway, the unknown wasn’t as overwhelming when he had people supporting him. Looking over he let himself take a mental picture of what he was living through now, too loud conversations and too loud laughter that matched it.

He was glad he could still be at Fukurodani. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> first things first the conversation Konoha Saru and Komi have about Bokuto making their high school life hard is from one of the official guidebooks! i don’t remember which one but @/triananero on twitter posted the translations and has others up there as well so check em out.
> 
> Fukurodani family is something i hold very dearly to my heart and i feel like their dynamics is a bit underrated when they hold so many opportunities, so i hope i did them justice along with Akaashi. my apologizes if certain details are a bit off with his year at nationals + the third button, i read like two articles that mentioned that the third button can be given to friends but couldn’t find much on it. 
> 
> but again thank you for reading! if you want to yell at about bokuaka and fukurodani or just yell about haikyuu in general my twitter is @ghoulspoons, hit me up.


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